I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
