Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You don't make any sense
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