I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
