Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
