I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
FUCK WHALES
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
