Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
