I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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