i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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