i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
