Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
false alarm, still single
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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