Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I need to sanitize my soul.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
