Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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