the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
