Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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