i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
