I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
