Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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