Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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