i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
