I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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