I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
