wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
