is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
