I faked an abortion last night.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
