When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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