i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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