the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
