i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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