You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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