I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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