all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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