The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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