need another drink. this is the easiest way
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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