Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
