I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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