I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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