Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
