I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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