I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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