I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
