i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
