I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
