Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
