Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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