Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
