No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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