I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
from now on my penis is your penis
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
