she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I got inside last night via doggy door
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
