dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
