So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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