Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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